Open relationship maybe, but open marriage?

Oscar nominee Mo’Nique raves about how comfortable she is being in an open marriage with her husband.

She has never had sex outside of her marriage but he is free to do so. She is married to her third husband, Sid Hicks and she claims that if she found out he was sleeping with another woman that it wouldn’t be a problem.

Most people don’t respond well to relationships that aren’t monogamous. I wonder what society thinks of these two being open to breaking tradition?

I don’t know what ended Mo’Nique’s previous marriages but obviously her logic must be skewed on what can make a relationship work. Any woman in her right mind would go on a serious, jealous rage if she found out her husband was sleeping with someone else.

But she says that she trusts her husband entirely and that there is no worrying about adultery because they both gave each other permission to commit it. They have been friends for over 25 years and they say that they know who each other is.

I think this cavalier attitude about being open in marriage totally contradicts the whole point of being married and sharing your life with another person.

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Open relationship maybe, but open marriage?

  1. Cari Crabtree

    My boyfriend always says “people are going to do what they want to do.” He’s right. Forbidding someone from doing something is rather useless. It’s the choices that a person makes that matter. If he’s sleeping elsewhere, then you deal with that in whatever way you do. I think it’s just important to make it clear ahead of time.

    If you’re going to go into a jealous murderous rage, your partner should know this before it happens. If you’re going to lose a little faith in someone if you find out that they’ve slept with someone else, your partner should know this too. From there, you each make your decisions.

    My boyfriend and I don’t have an open relationship by any means. But when he jokes about sleeping around, my response is, “Go ahead.” And I laugh. He knows the consequences. It’s up to him to break my trust or not, and I trust him. He and I both know what each other is about.

    So maybe Mo’nique is comfortable with her relationship. It’s really only up to them anyway. Some married couples are swingers. Some married couples share a live-in girlfriend. Our culture today coddles this unconventional behavior. Is it good? Probably not.

  2. I confessed to my husband five years ago that I was having an affair. He had not true anger to what I did. All he said was that he was hurt because I lied to him instead of coming to him with my issues.
    My lover saved our marriage because what my husband was unable to provide for me, my lover made up for it. We had a peaceful happy home because I realized my husband is human as I am and we cannot fully provide every need the other person needs.
    Since my confession my husband said we can have an Open Marriage and believe me, I am the luckiest girl alive for it. He confessed to me that he wanted to have an open marriage but had no clue if I would be ok with it.
    We were lying to each other and trying to conform to what society deems as right. But in our relationship we found what works for us and have never been happier. We can talk about Anything and there are no more lies between us. It is refreshing and revitializing to be able to tell my husband whatever I want without fearing the worst from him.

    • shannonkemp

      What’s the point in staying in the marriage though? I mean if it doesn’t have everything you’re looking for; why not get divorced and start over?
      It sounds like a forced commitment to me.

      • Whats the point in staying in this marriage. If the only flaw I found with my husband was sexual and everything else was absolutely perfect then why not try to make the marriage work? I’m going to leave my husband because I like a different type of sex then what he is comfortable with so that someone else that can do this for me but we find that everything else about this person isn’t who I want? I want my husband but I want him in addition to a part time lover.
        My lover helped my sex life with my husband to being more exciting.
        There are way to many couples out there that cannot say that are truly happy. Lies, half truths, and not being themselves anymore around their spouses in fear of what they will do to them.
        I love my husband he is my soul mate but over time my desires changed and he did not follow my tastes. Is that wrong for him not to? No. So because as a human I want to explore avenues that he doesn’t I should leave? Break up an otherwise happy home for me to explore? It may be a very selfish thing but if you look at most couple’s problems, Sex is in the top 5 issues.
        What we did is discussed my unhappiness in that region of our relationship and came to a conclusion that works for both of us. It was the best decision we made.
        There is nothing forced and we are committed to making our marriage work. We accept that we have flaws, weaknesses and do not want to be with anyone else for the rest of our lives. We decided to take the hard road of working on making our marriage to make it successful. Instead of chasing that elusive dream that society beats into us all that there is a happily ever after.
        The author Jenny Block wrote a fantastic book called Open. Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage. Its a fantastic book of her journey into realising she cannot conform to societies rules of monogamy. She has writen my life with her words.
        Please read it and let me know what you think.

  3. shannonkemp

    Don’t we all hope to achieve the same outcome in sex? How can the act vary that much between couples? What if it wasn’t sex that drove you into the arms of another man? When do you think you’ve reached the point where divorce is necessary? Sorry that was a lot of questions.

    • Of course we all hope to achieve the same outcome in sex. But over a period of time the sex changes because you change. The odds of both people being on the same page isn’t always going to happen. Not saying it doesn’t but there are always something changing within the confines of this relationship that can cause a lot of pain and unhappiness.
      Lets say after a period of time as a woman you go thru menopause. Sex is the farthest thing from your mind. Then you loose the urge all together. Would you expect your man to give up something you both enjoyed for the rest of your lives? And visa versa? I say hell no! I would not deprive my husband and he would not me.
      Thats just one for instance, there are multiple other reasons sexual issues that can arrise. But still it is not fair to force a sexless lifestyle on your life partner.
      As for your second question, if it was not just sex that drove me into the arms of another man. In the beginning, I thought yes its the sex, but I’d be lying. My husband worked his ass off and I barely saw him. I was home alone with a baby and I felt deprived. Deprived of affection, sex, excitement and the need to feel desired. I was a wilting flower that every other woman out there feels like when a child enters the home and the man takes the responsibility to do right by his family. Both of our personal needs were tossed to the side for the sake of the family.
      We fought constantly and were knit picking on every stupid little thing. Being in this sort of atmosphere is something that most couples can attest to being there. And then one of us demands the intimate attention that were used to yet they don’t get it do to the angry tension. So it builds. Divorces do come about now, but I knew I didn’t want to leave. I don’t believe in divorcing. There was nothing wrong with my husband he was doing all he could do for the family. The issue was me. Wanting more from him that he could not provide for me. I did not want to cheat, it just happened. And when it did, things changed for the better between my husband and I. We no longer faught. We laughed more and life got easier between us. But after a period of time I realised I could not continue with the guilt of cheating and fessed up. And lucky me, we are better for it.
      In my situation, I never saw us splitting up or divorcing. Both of us had never thought of it.
      In other situation, I think if there are multiple issues within the relationship then yeah divorce would be necessary. Not even Opening a marriage would help thier situation.
      We work because we have a solid ground work between us. With minor communication issues that we over come with some guts of needing to be heard.
      I’m enjoying talking to you. You have the intelligence to ask questions to try to understand why. Others like to be self righteous with their beliefs and throw their morals at me. I know whats right and wrong, and dealt with my own demons. But ultimately, its our lives to live them together as we see fit. And we choose to make our marriage work even though society deems it wrong. But if you look back in history, this dream of happily ever after marriages didn’t exist until the last 100 years. We are not made to be monogamous, its a pipe dream of pain and anguish.

  4. shannonkemp

    I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t cheated before. Sometimes it just happens. I couldn’t handle an open relationship though. I’m too much of a jealous person. I would be thinking about who he was with and what he was doing 24 hours a day.

    How does your family and friends react to your marriage? Or do you think it’s none of their business?

    • Ah yes, jealousy. I am a very jealous girl, hon. But I had to over come that flaw in myself to make my marriage work.
      Read my posting on Jealousy, its raw and emotional. http://househo.wordpress.com/2010/04/08/jealousy/
      As for coming out to friends and family. We do not come out to everyone and keep it under wraps. Our children do not need to know about our extra cirricular activities and family members do not need to know. Only sellected friends know about our marriage. But we also have acquired new friends that are in the same or similar situations.
      Its not something we go around broadcasting either.
      So you cheated, have you done this with the long term ones and can you justify why you did it?

      • shannonkemp

        Well if you think you shouldn’t have to conform to what society believes is a traditional marriage then why don’t you feel free to tell people about it?

        It’s called an open marriage so why not be open with others about it?

        It was a short relationship for me.

  5. Because not everyone thinks the way we do. There are more people starting to think this way, including the younger generation. But the older generations don’t.
    I watch so many of my girlfriends desperate to find love and are constantly being hurt. Yet they can’t accept their men for being human. Its vicious cycle of pain and humiliation that they can’t break. I confessed to one stating that my marriage is open and she flipped and is no longer my friend. But I am happy and she is miserable.
    My marriage is open, yes, but not on public display to be ridiculed or bashed as indecient.
    My family is very opinionated and selfrighteous. They would make reunions painful and I do not need my children being exposed to the ugliness. And really that is what its boiled down to. My children do not know about it and will not until they are old enough to make their own judgements on life.
    I am open enough to talk about this that once they are all of an age of understanding, I believe I will open the doors on our marriage and let the flag fly proudly. But until then I will keep it under wraps.

  6. if you would be interested in seeing the narrow minded ugly side of what people like us have to deal with. Check out Blackgirlthinking thru wordpress.
    Repetitively she pushes her religious views and really not hearing what we are saying to where it ends up becoming down right nasty.
    This might help you understand why we for the time being don’t wear our Open tshirts in public.

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